Creative writing

The red brick wall stands high above any other in Diagon alley, above the large sliding door sits the words: r/dankmemes. The doors themselves are tinted black, no information available outside as to what lies within.
As you step up to the doors they slide open with a woosh, bright light floods out of the opening blinding you as you step through into the entrance. Inside the foyer, the light stops and you are left in darkness, your eyes slowly adapt and you look around. The walls inside appear like black plaster, placing your hand to it it feels cool, (cool like 69 cool not like cold cool) the floor you stand on has the warmth of carpet but taking steps feeling like concrete.
You turn a 180 and walk to the opposite wall, embedded inside appear to be options: Hot, New, Rising, Top. Hesitantly you reach out selecting the button “HOT”, all around you the wall light up, “Are you ready kid?” bellows in the distance, you shudder and pass out face-first onto the now soft floor.
As you awaken the room feels warm, almost as if it is greeting you. Slowly you rise onto your feet, behind you a deep voice speaks. “When its the 4th of July and woody stole your pizza rolls”. Inch by inch you turn your body to face the sound only to see… Buzz Lightyear? His face is contorted into an angry and confused expression. You feel your body shake and you fall to the ground once again.
You feel yourself shudder awake and roll over to your back with the soft carpet beneath you. Trying to open your eyes a blinding white light is above you, you squeeze your eyes shut. “Oops my bad, I have light mode on” A voice above you belows and the light turns to darkness. “Looks like you couldn’t handle our darkness”. “Well, guess that means you’re out of here”, the voice continues almost directly in your ears, you try yo open your mouth but collapse onto the concreted floor, you don’t pass out this time. Your nose stings from the fall and a warm liquids streams onto the floor, you get onto your knees as they scrape across the now rough ground, this isn’t the friendly place you once though it was. You stay sitting on your legs puffed with the blood still running from your head and you scream until your voice scrapes against your throat. You lift your head to the void, you see nothing, but feel warm, not quite comforting, a warm like you’re dying a peaceful death, you shudder, every muscle convulsing and you are forced to the ground by gravity unable to move, you close your eyes and your throat fill with you blood, you close your eyes and sleep a warm sleep.

2 Comments

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Hi Carter,

This feedback is in response to your 3rd draft.

You need to focus on putting more detail into the description of the shop itself. This is so your reader can place themselves in the shop and experience it as a real location.
Be cautious when using specific language. If you need to describe what you mean by a word within the text, then the meaning needs to understandable to anyone who reads it, regardless of their familiarity with the topic.
Writing in 2nd person is an interesting choice, it is difficult to remain consistent in this style so you will need to pay close attention to ensuring you maintain this.

Keep working.

Mr Johnson

Hi Carter,

In addition to the previous feedback,

You need to tidy up this post. It is difficult to find the piece you are writing for your actual assessment.
Remember this assessment is about the description of your shop. It is difficult to visualise your shop. Focus on the details of the building. Sights, smells, sounds etc.
Pay attention to your spelling and grammar as well.

Mr Johnson

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